Are You Passively Pursuing Women?

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[box_light]“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord”
–Proverbs 18:22[/box_light]

That’s about as much dating advice as you’re going to get from the bible, and men, quite frankly, that’s the only advice we really need. We go out, we search, we find, we pursue and find our own good thing, our own GREAT thing, our own wife to lead, honor and cherish.

We are supposed to be the ones making it happen.

The opposite of making things happen is passiveness.

Passivity is plaguing men in the 21st century. Dads aren’t involved in their kid’s lives; they prefer drop off parenting (drop the kids off at school and football practice and let them do the work). Husbands shuffle household problems to their wives and young men are far too willing to just “see what happens” in their college careers and job searches instead of making tough decisions and taking control. Without a doubt, passivity has crept its way into our pursuit of women also. We are left with a bunch of God-loving single men who pursue women in a weak and fearful manner and engage in passive pursuit.

Passive pursuit is the easy way out. It’s not taking big risks and not putting yourself out there too much, so you won’t fall that hard if she says no. It’s kinda hoping she’s going to show up in places where you hang out. It’s waiting on her to come up and talk to you. Or maybe you’re past that phase and you’re actually hanging out a lot…. but you’re still not telling her exactly what you’re feeling. You are hoping she brings it up first and your cowardly waiting on her to clarify exactly what’s going on. There’s lots of texting and facebook status “liking” but the whole thing is not really going anywhere…

Stop. Being. A. Wimp. It’s time to step it up and be intentional. It’s time to take a risk. If a “good thing” is staring you right in the face, go out and get her! Win her heart. Winning a woman’s heart is one of the greatest opportunities a man can be blessed with.  

So you love talking to her and enjoy those random conversations you’ve had: Don’t wait for the next random one; be intentional and make it happen. Stop just hoping she shows up at the places you hang out: Intentionally put yourself around her in social events you know she’ll be attending (In a non-stalker way please! Let’s try and avoid all-girls bible studies). Get up and talk to her. If she’s sitting by herself sit down next to her. If she’s sitting with friends, sit next to her and introduce yourself. Be courageous and take risk and stop waiting on those perfect times to just happen, be intentional and make them happen.

If you’re already spending lots of time with her, define the relationship (exactly what is going on here between us?). There’s a good chance she may have no idea what’s going on in your head and it’s your job to be a man and start this conversation. Don’t wait for her to do it.

Put yourself out there, be bold, and let her know what you see in her.

Don’t play this “just friends” game when in your head your desiring and hoping for more. Stop disguising “dates” as “hangouts.” Be a man and be honest with her. If you think she’s great, the best way to tell her is by being intentional. If a friendship is beginning to turn into something more, the moment you’re positive of you feelings towards her, it’s on you to lay it out there.

No matter what stage you’re at in the pursuit process, whether it’s introducing yourself or defining the relationship, it’s time to be intentional. She should not have to question your actions. It’s time to go out and find her and win her.

Any sensible Christian single woman is not going to be won with passive pursuit. If you think she’s amazing, she probably knows she’s not too shabby either. Do you really think she’s waiting on a little boy to play games with? Do you really think she’s going to be won over with half-hearted attempts at her heart?

I’ve never been a five-star recruit, but I’m pretty sure that when top college coaches are trying to bring in top athletes to their respective programs, those guys don’t leave those schools wondering about how they feel. They know how badly those teams would love to him starting for them. In the same way, we need to be clear about the way we feel with the women we are pursuing. They need to know exactly how we feel and we need to build up that courage to tell them. I’m not saying propose after the first date. I’m saying be clear and upfront with your actions. She should never be confused as to how you feel.

Don’t leave her in the dark, she deserves better.

Jonathan Ramoutar is a follower of Christ who is passionate about the church’s role in culture and male leadership. He is also an avid fan of the NFL (Tampa Bay Bucs) and NBA (Miami Heat).