[box_light]Ed. note: This is B. She’s our weekly Q&A writer and will be answering questions from a female perspective (naturally). You can find her subsection under “Faith.” Do you have a question or comment? Send it to us on Facebook, Twitter, via email, or in the comments, and we’ll do our best to have her answer it in future weeks.[/box_light]
How far should a woman go in pursuing a man?
Oh, how this question gets me riled up. About a year and a half ago, a sister and I got to talking about the things we were seeing at the church we were attending at the time. It was a 18-2o somethings age range, and the sight was heartbreaking. There were so many sisters throwing themselves before the men around us. Going out of their way to make it known they were single, and they were looking. They would initiate the texting every single time and call incessantly. They would try planning hang outs and dates. A few even told me, “I know he said I wasn’t the one, but he’s changed a lot and so have I, so I really think it could work now.”
My rage-o-meter was sky high.
I actually wrote a blog post back then to the women I’m describing and I figured I would just post that below. I think it’s clear from my previous writing that I do not feel a woman should go very far at all in pursuing a man. Yes, women need to show enough interest so that the man knows he is correct in pursuing her and asking her out. The reason I share what I wrote before is because so many brothers in Christ have told me how easily distracted they are from the heart and will of God, when a woman [attractive or not] pursues them.
In one situation [I’m referring back to the girl who said things were different and disregarded his statement that she wasn’t the one] she began falling back into her old habits of flirting and seeking him out and monopolizing his attention. He went along with it. He knew what God had told him about her, and knew he needed to guard his own heart and help her guard hers by keeping distance between them. But, he was distracted. Too distracted by the “thrill” of it all, that he didn’t even see how he was being disobedient to God. How he wasn’t living up to his call as a godly man, or as a sister in Christ’s future husband. It was heartbreaking to see.
Eventually, a brother brought to attention what he was doing and kept him accountable. But women–––we need to stop!
Stop distracting the men of God.
Stop longing and pursuing their hearts. As women of God we are designed to be sought after, to be wanted, to be cherished. We are designed to care for, nurture and love others. Yet when we begin to pursue the heart of a man, we are leaving the heart of the Father. We have taken our eyes off of Christ, off of His heart, and His love for us. I don’t understand why we are wired to want relationships so desperately… but a small reason I do understand is that this want for a man should be magnified in our desperation for God.
Wait for a godly man. Wait for the man that pursues your heart just as Christ pursues the church, His bride. “Just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy…” [Ephesians 5:25,26] It’s not about us pursuing him. God didn’t design us this way. He tells us that husbands will pursue, and protect, and fight for their wives. That we will become “one flesh.”
Patiently wait for him, while actively pursuing God. Don’t lose sight of the only heart we should be seeking after. Do you not see when we actively pursue the heart of a man how our focus has shifted?
“Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such things have no place among God’s people.”
Why are godly women becoming greedy after a godly man’s heart? Why are we allowing the lust and impurity to pollute our hearts and minds? Is it not enough to be encouraged through fellowship? Is it that difficult to look at a man of God and be so proud of the work God is doing in him and to simply encourage him without an agenda?
You are lusting after another sister in Christ’s husband.
A man that God has designed specifically for one heart–––and because you can’t be patient enough to trust God and His design and His timing, you are tainting what is meant for someone else. What is almost even more heartbreaking is that you’re hurting a fellow brother’s heart and distracting him from growing into the leader and spiritual warrior God so desires for him. You are twisting your own love story into something it shouldn’t be. You are not the pursuer, not a manipulator or deceiver to gain attention and love. If you are, RUN! Run so quickly in the other direction, because those things come only from one person–––the father of lies himself.
Brothers and sisters: Pray God would remove the veil that Satan has cast over your heart. The lies of making you think you have to seek a man’s heart in order for your love story to be fulfilled or that men–––you don’t need to step up and pursue a woman’s heart or help her guard it by being obedient to God in your actions.
How far from the truth! Ladies, a good godly man that you would WANT and DESERVE to be with, will honor and respect you for how you pursue the heart of God first, and are active in being obedient to that. Men, don’t fall for the women who make it easy. Who give a pretty smile and bat of their eye lashes and distract you. If a woman isn’t putting YOUR ministry and calling before her own desires, she isn’t the one for you. She will show you she’s interested, but fellas… the rest is up to you.
There are two great Christian girls–––both friends and both dateable. Can I pursue both?
I think the first thing we need to look at for this question specifically is that you’re FRIENDS with both of these girls. This changes the situation completely. I know there are so many different scenarios you could throw at me, but for the sake of arguing, we’re going to assume that you are in active friendships with both of these girls (whether they are friends or not doesn’t matter).
It is definitely NOT okay to pursue both. Like I said in the question above, if you are thinking of pursuing a godly woman, then clearly she has shown some sort of interest in you. In this case, both have shown some form of interest if you are thinking of taking things to the next step. You WILL ruin both friendships if you do this. If you have taken the time to pray and seek God’s will over these two friends, I believe He will speak clearly enough to tell you “yes” or “no” to either one (or maybe even both girls). I would definitely say if you do decided to pursue one of these girls, you need to talk to the other.
And be honest.
Will the conversation be hard? Possibly even awkward? A thousand times yes. But women will respect your honesty and your courage in being up front with them and helping them guard their heart.
We don’t want to waste a guy’s time anymore than we want them to waste ours. In the process of letting her know where she stands with you, you have the opportunity to keep a friendship intact while pursuing the other girl. But you have to be honest. Keep all people in the loop. If you’re even the slightest bit unsure that if you pursue one of these women and you may change your mind and realize she isn’t for you–––don’t even go there. You’ll for sure lose her as a friend and the other will see what’s going on and most likely ditch you too.
Be a gentlemen. Don’t go after two girls at once.
Especially not two of your friends. It’s just trashy, really. Am I allowed to call it skanky? [Ed. note: Sure!] We’ll see if the editor leaves this in here.
Men: Boys mess with girls’ hearts and are fickle. We aren’t wanting to be pursued by boys. We left high school dating behind for a reason. Get honest, step up, and be real with your feelings.
[Ed. note: Question three was edited for time, as the article word count was nearing 2200 total words. You can catch B’s three biggest fears in next week’s Coffee Shop Talk.]
until our next chat,
[box_success]Send us your questions! You can do so via Facebook, Twitter, via email, or in the comments, and we’ll do our best to have her answer it in future weeks.[/box_success]